Stay Off the PIE: Physio

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Physio

I've been suffering some pretty severe tennis elbow. Today I am at my first physio session. I am currently lying on a bed with a machine strapped to my arm, sending electrical pulses through my muscles. It's weird. Like I have a throbbing heart in my elbow. Before this I was squealing and writhing in exquisite agony while the physio squeezed my problem areas. Fortunately he didn't tell me to stop training... 6 more weeks of this and apparently I'll be right as the rain storm outside.

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The Spartan Workout Ideology

1) Lactic acid is the Spartan's friend. The Spartan knows the value of anaerobic failure, and actively seeks it out. If he falls on his face, he waits only as long as necessary to move again before he continues.

2) The Spartan takes no breaks between exercises, unless it's to shove a non-Spartan out of the way.

3) The Spartan runs. He does not use Stairmasters, or stationary bikes, or elliptical machines. He runs.

4) When the Spartan cannot run, he walks. When he cannot walk, he crawls. When he cannot crawl, he has failed.

5) The Spartan hits big muscles, like the back, the pectorals, the quadriceps and the gluteus. He knows this means he is building functional muscle that will assist in the destruction of his enemies and in the production of testosterone (of which the Spartan has more than the average man).

6) By contrast, the Spartan does not waste much time on small muscles. They will grow as the result of functional exercise that hits the big muscles (see above). For example, the bicep is only useful in that it assists with chin-ups, and scaling enemy fortifications. Anything else is vanity.

7) The Spartan abhors cables and machines. This is for two reasons. First, to activate stabilizer muscles, the Spartan must depend on himself to balance the weight, not a machine. Second - look up the adjective "spartan" in the dictionary: "strict and austere." You should be able to do a Spartan workout anywhere.

8) The Spartan fears only one thing: his workout. The enemy pales in comparison to his workout. If he doesn't fear his workout, it isn't hard enough.

9) Puking is acceptable. Quitting is not. If he gives up here, he gives up in battle. This is unacceptable.

10) So nature abhors a vacuum, so the Spartan loathes missing a workout. A Spartan can complete a workout in his grandma's basement, a hotel room, or in a city park.

11) If the Spartan is not in pain during his workout, he is wrong.

12) The Spartan never cheats. He maintains proper technique throughout his training, because if you cheat you only cheat yourself. The Spartan also knows that there is a difference between cheating and kipping which is a technique unto itself.

13) The Spartan knows the value of the basics: the push-up, the pull-up, the chin-up, the sit-up, the squat, and the dead-lift. He also knows the importance of variety, and seeks out different techniques of the above.

By: Captain Paul Lindsay, British Columbia Regiment (Duke of Connaught's Own)

Stay Off the PIE

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Physio

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